I dive foolishly in romances not suited for me
knowing you're not the one
I treat you as my everything
knowing I'll leave you soon
I'll run in your arms
for someone to care
for someone to protect me
save me
from life
but mostly from myself
I look for you in every boy
man
adult
grownup
and child
But you don't seem to be around
looking for me...


fuck you and your ways
fuck you and your promises
your false compliments
your untruthful touch
and your deceitful eyes

fuck you for breaking the last bit of hope I had last
fuck you for making me start all over again
fuck you for forcing me to love myself even more
fuck you for having to trust my own heart
my intuitions
my own dreams
my path
the only path I've ever trusted...


FUCK

they say let go and it will find its way to you
they say don't think
let your mind be quiet
they say it'll come when the times is there
but daily
hourly
minutely
I long for someone, something, you...
when a heart is full of so much
capable of so much
ready for so much
everyone lives
just lives
just goes
just lives
just goes...

But I'm here
waiting
no not waiting, shouldn't be waiting.
never waiting
waiting and it won't come.
ok I'm not waiting
I'm living
I'm going and definitely not waiting for the love of my life to.
Especially not waiting on you...


I lust for your hips to thrust my body.
for your hands to feel my longing.
your tongue to discover my inner longings.
only minutes away from the ultimate climax
you take my face in your hands
and kiss my tears away.
my heart is bare
for you to color it in every desirable tone.
my soul is in need for a higher source to break into my heavens.
be my moon
my light
my guiding star...

be my


Just because my blood rushes like lightning through my veins
doesn't mean I'm still star struck every time I see you.
Just because my skin still melts at the thought of your touch
doesn't mean you are still allowed to enter me. 
Just because I've erased all memories of us
doesn't mean you didn't stick to my being. 
And just because it still hurts think of you
doesn't mean I need you back in my life.


only a few are blessed enough to meet their soulmate
a mate to your soul
two souls mating

soulmate


Clasping on to anything and everything.
I tremble in fear of no love in sight.
I hold on to long forgotten memories and passing moments
to feel something
despair fills my longs and I get too familiar with the language of neediness.
you were there
where I was
when it was us.
that time in the past when my being was still hopeful and my body stronger.
you can't go back
I shouldn't want to go back.
but I feel safe in the past
comfortable in comfort and at home in your presence.
without you realizing I was holding on, I'm letting go. 


and maybe you're just everything I ever wanted you to be
and maybe you're just nothing like I ever wanted you to be
but for a second I needed you to be everything and more
you failed.
and I failed in wanting you to be just that.

wrong fit


I started making notes of the coffee spills on the counter
I counted the steps it took you to forget my name.
only 347 minutes until my being got erased from your past.
I've been longing for the mornings to be less painful.
you've been staring down the sunsets
intoxicated on life you leap into tomorrow.

one day


I don't want to remember any of the men that pierced my heart.
I don't want to feel the love that has passed through all these hearts.
I want to not feel you and him and that one.
I want to erase any little memory of pain
of love
of hope
of dreams
and lust.
not feeling is surviving.
not feeling is better for the longevity of life.
being without any feelings will keep me on the right track. 


there are days that I miss you terribly
there are days that I hate your guts.
most days I spend not thinking of your being
many hours I live without you on my mind.
but in the seconds in between now and just now I wander if you ever dream of me.
if you miss me with teary eyes. 


My dreams uncover my subconscious desires.
Longings of hands discovering every inch of my skin.
A strong arm that grabs me and thrusts his hips against my bottom.
Pushing my body against a wall, holding my body in place with his hands on my breasts.

 


I idolize every ingrown hair on your skin.
I idolize every word that you hit me with me.
I idolize your lumpy feet and your bewildered face.
I wrongfully remember our wild nights with passion and lust.
I lovingly think of our hateful dinners.
I calculate my life minus you equals two.
Oh how one’s fantasy can go beyond well shaped pink castles on bright airy clouds.


Your dark desire touches my pale hips.
You slap
You push
You slide your hands over my curves
Your tongue finds its way from my aroused nipples
To my longing opening.
You pulse in my mouth
I taste your wants.
Your breath traces my neckline
Not giving in
Making me lust for you to enter
I lick my lips
I moan
My body pulsates only for you
To give in to your thrusts. 
We expand
We collapse
We become one.


As days go by your rough heart fades.
In a different country
through a different lens
I can survive.
In reality I struggle.
I struggle with the ideals I wanted for us.
I struggle with the words you spoke to me and the dreams we had built.
I fall asleep in a daze of fantastic fantasies and muddy fights.
Your energy paralyzed me
yet the promises you made kept me standing strong.
I pull away the fog from our relationship
two longing souls not able to survive in each other's environment...


The cold sheets are the last traces of an unfinished puzzle.
you left
too early
too soon.
Too rapidly without taking a second breath,
patiently resting in the unsettled state our relationship was in.
When longings overshadow our daily existence and a change is sparking the undeniable events of the future. 
I try to hold on to a glimpse of what we were or you never was.
a dream
an ideal
a mirror that was never my home.

 

just in time


I've pushed you away
you couldn't stand the test of time.
I've broken my heart open for you to gracefully enter.
I gave you my all but my all wasn't what you wanted.
you needed me
you didn't just accept me.
you liked me
you didn't realize my beauty.
you are blinded by your own insecurities
not allowing me to be the woman standing tall by your side. 

needs


In my lonely days I dream of the life that I had spread out for us.
In the minutes in between I long for our escape from this tortured place.
I wanted to call you the love of my life.
I wanted to call you the father of my children.
I wanted to call you the knight in shining armor.
But you were just a searching soul, clinging on to my broken being. 

high hopes


I put so much hope and dreams in your hands.
So much trust and safety.
I fought you
I loved you
I blamed you
I nurtured you
I wanted you.
All I longed for was for you to stand up to me
stand next to me and take on the world for me.
A small gesture for a simple girl like me. 

 


She had two options
be angry or be mad.
Be angry
of what he had been doing to her
or be mad
at the pain he is now encountering.
She chose the latter and rose like a Phoenix from the dirt.
She nurtured his weaknesses and caressed his fearful heart.
Where two were lost in a long life commitment,
two had found each other when life was ugly and mean.
Cause she knew a higher power and a truer sense of love.

the fighter


When dreams become fears and your fears your life.
You breath, you embrace your heart and talk sweet talk to your soul.
You surrender to the moment, to the beauty of the world.
To the trees that will support you and the moon that will cup your tears.
you let go
you have to let go
you let go of letting go to let go. 


A pile of hopeless romantic dreams
crushed by your thoughtless actions.
Too many of the same mistakes to brush away the pain you've caused.
Too little love for a human that's in need to be saved.
I won't be
can't be
don't want to be that 'one'.


The hardest part of leaving town is coming back.
Of losing the sense of excitement when you return.
When home for too long, you're just not that damn special anymore.
So scared of the ordinary I flee to foreign countries, in the arms of strangers I feel most at home.
When my sun rises and your moon shows its face, I am in my happy place. 

bitter sweet


I feel your breath, steady and strong.
Powerful and confident.
Your energy calms me and my running brain.
You're my rooted tree so I can be the buzzing bumble bee. 

tree


When I look into your eyes I see a reflection of the fear in mine.
You've caught me by surprise, when the world seemed to not turn my way but the universe decided that that was the right way.
Now I'm frozen by too many feelings and fears of losing you,
losing love but mostly losing hope.
If ill be broken now,
no love will be strong enough to glue what is lost. 

the one thats not about you


When you woke up
about 8 minutes ago
your eyes were blurry but peaceful.
I stretched and you reached and our bodies pieced perfectly into each other.
Another day with a magnificent person overtaking the world from inside our bedroom. 


My body is aching, tired of running from my brain.
But when the rat race stops, my being freaks out.
Terrified to be stuck and still I force fears and feelings and thoughts in my brain
when all I'm longing for is a break from life...


She plays with shadows like she plays with men
coming by night
when sun strikes disappearing into a new millennium. 

foreplay


just because I tell you 'I'm doing just fine' 
doesn't mean you have to prove me wrong


I tease myself with pictures of your new life
I break myself thinking of you and the
'what if's'
could have's
and maybe's
I need to hold on to the nights of staying out
the lies covering up every ugly truth
and everything false that came from your poisoned lips.
but I refuse, 
I repeat
refuse
to let you harm me in a way that I won't be able to slowly pick up every shattered piece of my soul.
DO NOT DISTURB, WORK IN PROGRESS

work in progress


there's nothing dirty about being thirty
it's the most fragile
broken
naked
I've ever been. 
Trying to face the world like an adult
while longing to run and hide like your average four-year old
Then thirty-one is full of twists and turns
of screams
and howls
of breaking down
and refolding my origami heart.
filling every yearning piece with new hopes
dreams
and desires.

dirty thirty


you didn't deserve her love then
you don't deserve her tears now


she will do it right this time
she will do it right this time
she will do it right this time
Click your heels three times.
The past whispers sweet memories into her present.
She ignores the flashes of idealized happiness but longs for every wrong choice to make.
She is grown now with little wrinkles gracing her face.
No room for error, this is her chance. Be free or just be. 


Sunlight strokes her heart, for a moment she sees beauty on a muddy road.
she breaths in
she breaths in
she breaths in.
Letting go of dirty hands clasping her heart she turns left and opens her skin,
ready for his warm touch. 


He asks her what she wants.
A moment of doubt, anxiety.
Whispers of panic sneak into her soul.
He needs to know.
She needs not to know.
He will hold her close wherever she is.
He will strike her heart wherever she goes.
But she will walk alone next to him. 


The grass is bright green when thinking of him.

Where trees are blooming with blossomy branches. 


More then one of the same answers are thrown to her, less then zero questions she wants to hear. Stuck in a moment where her happiness is wanted by all of the rest. Where her loneliness is a uncovered desire she longs for. But her smile shows her friendly soul. 


She walks the streets with a steady pace.
No destination in sight, travel being her dear friend.
Daylight makes her head bow, not wanting to show her pale skin whispering memories of needy boys.
She walks
she runs
she steps
she hops.
She hopes for a journey to unfold without it defining her being.
She wants to go alone, not bound to him but there's a desire to not be alone... 


You allow me to stand tall
to not carry all that weight.
To not take with me all of my past
all of my worries
all of my pain.
To look up, to a sky full of hope and dreams.
Embracing all of life's colors in a world where black seems to overtake.
Where white light shines in creases and corners
for a few to see
for everyone to believe in
for us to embrace.